Fake Shidduch Resume

I'd like to deconstruct yesterday's sobering post shortly. In the meantime, now's as good a place as any to note that the Gemara is a dialectical text, constantly vacillating between two sides of the (suprisingly) same coin. In that vein, I'm going to go with a milsah b'deechoosah today:

BS"D

Shidduch Resume For Yanky Crayola

Thermomeson Amu"sh

Born: Tisha B’Av, 1982

Height: 5”7, 5”9 when not hunched

Weight: 140 lbs. (due to a terribly unfortunate incident involving the loss of his large-intestine [sucked out by a swimming pool pump] he is a little underweight).

Resides: Due to a schizoid condition, he currently lives in Lakewood and Monsey – simultaneously.

Family:

Father: Rabbi Dr. Jerome “Herring” Thermomeson; author of the acclaimed book: You + the Torah + Chilled Vodka = Homemade Lubavitch Chassidus.

Mother: Rebbetzin Chaya Sorah Faygeh Hinda nee Rue-Canal nee Smith (once received a ‘get’, but it was the husband that was the problem, really, our rav said so).

Siblings: There are kn”h thirteen, three were chosen out of a hat…

Yossi - Eighteen years old, attends Yeshivas Tikkun Mishkav Zochur, he’s having balls of fun and making steady progress in his rehabilitation, b”H

Yanky (2) – Twenty-six years old. Brought over from Chaya’s previous marriage, he is somehow a virtual doppelganger of Yanky, whenever they are in the same room they walk towards each other, thinking they’re looking into a mirror. Yanky (2) attends the Saint Marco Polo Center for Persons with Restless Leg Syndrome.

Esther – Sixteen years old, student at Hinda Mirah’s School for the Blind, b”H she has 20/20 vision, we are happy that we gave her the opportunity to be at the top of her class.

Education:

K-8: Yeshivas Torah Is To Sweet As Crack Is To Awesome

Curriculum based on a vomited-out worpage of the Montessori teaching method lined with educators that don’t know what 75% of the words on this resume mean.

9^th-12^th: Yeshivas Be’er Mayim Raglayim

Graduated, receiving his diploma for Being Able to ‘Go’ Without Drops Hitting the Seat.

Madrasas Osama

Accidently enrolled there for Beis Medrash; very similar tautology to that of the typical yeshiva, he really had a blast there.

Contacts:

Rabbi Izz Moeleztin: Rebbi muvhuck since childhood; was also Yanky’s Bar Mitzvah teacher.

Rabbi Ahmad Fadeel al-Nazal al-Khalayleh: Rosh Yeshiva; Madrasa Osama. Yanky learnt Nefesh HaChayyim: Suicide Bomber Edition with him b’chavrusah.

Fleeky: Yanky’s imaginary friend.