Fake Shidduch Resume

I'd like to deconstruct yesterday's sobering post shortly. In the meantime, now's as good a place as any to note that the Gemara is a dialectical text, constantly vacillating between two sides of the (suprisingly) same coin. In that vein, I'm going to go with a milsah b'deechoosah today:

BS"D

Shidduch Resume For Yanky Crayola

Thermomeson Amu"sh

Born: Tisha B’Av, 1982

Height: 5”7, 5”9 when not hunched

Weight: 140 lbs. (due to a terribly unfortunate incident involving the loss of his large-intestine [sucked out by a swimming pool pump] he is a little underweight).

Resides: Due to a schizoid condition, he currently lives in Lakewood and Monsey – simultaneously.

Family:

Father: Rabbi Dr. Jerome “Herring” Thermomeson; author of the acclaimed book: You + the Torah + Chilled Vodka = Homemade Lubavitch Chassidus.

Mother: Rebbetzin Chaya Sorah Faygeh Hinda nee Rue-Canal nee Smith (once received a ‘get’, but it was the husband that was the problem, really, our rav said so).

Siblings: There are kn”h thirteen, three were chosen out of a hat…

Yossi - Eighteen years old, attends Yeshivas Tikkun Mishkav Zochur, he’s having balls of fun and making steady progress in his rehabilitation, b”H

Yanky (2) – Twenty-six years old. Brought over from Chaya’s previous marriage, he is somehow a virtual doppelganger of Yanky, whenever they are in the same room they walk towards each other, thinking they’re looking into a mirror. Yanky (2) attends the Saint Marco Polo Center for Persons with Restless Leg Syndrome.

Esther – Sixteen years old, student at Hinda Mirah’s School for the Blind, b”H she has 20/20 vision, we are happy that we gave her the opportunity to be at the top of her class.

Education:

K-8: Yeshivas Torah Is To Sweet As Crack Is To Awesome

Curriculum based on a vomited-out worpage of the Montessori teaching method lined with educators that don’t know what 75% of the words on this resume mean.

9^th-12^th: Yeshivas Be’er Mayim Raglayim

Graduated, receiving his diploma for Being Able to ‘Go’ Without Drops Hitting the Seat.

Madrasas Osama

Accidently enrolled there for Beis Medrash; very similar tautology to that of the typical yeshiva, he really had a blast there.

Contacts:

Rabbi Izz Moeleztin: Rebbi muvhuck since childhood; was also Yanky’s Bar Mitzvah teacher.

Rabbi Ahmad Fadeel al-Nazal al-Khalayleh: Rosh Yeshiva; Madrasa Osama. Yanky learnt Nefesh HaChayyim: Suicide Bomber Edition with him b’chavrusah.

Fleeky: Yanky’s imaginary friend.

Post-postmodern Judaism

Never read this book, but I thought the juxtaposition of the words in the title were apropos of this post's crux: Okay, what would the great, holy Amaroim of yore say about today's societal disconnect and the fallout it is indirectly causing?  Don't know for sure, but a friend just told me that Rav Matisyahu Solomon said, in one form or another: "Thank G-d I was not born in this generation - I don't know if I would have remained religious in the contemporary social milieu".  Pornography has become (dare I say) 'accepted' by many, a result of the spiritually-nutritionless plasma that is being infused into our collective bloodstream.  The battle for and against G-d's existence amongst the rational world is now akin to a pile of somewhat-smoldering ashes which, any day now, might be - it's so dire that it can now occur almost unwittingly - dusted away, resulting in...poof, the notion of a Creator completely vanishing from the entire consciousness of the elite.  Too bad, because this, like everything in the secular world, rubs off on the Jewish world to varying and troubling degrees, leaving many existentially disillusioned.  It was one thing when Nevuah left the world and G-d hid Himself (viewable though through history - see: Purim story, etc.), but we are confronted 'these days' with a second wallop; the belief by a critical mass of people that G-d is more than just hidden...

So how does an aspiring 'ben Torah' deal?