Shidduch Resume For Yanky Crayola
Born: Tisha B’Av, 1982
Height: 5”7, 5”9 when not hunched
Weight: 140 lbs. (due to a terribly unfortunate incident involving the loss of his large-intestine [sucked out by a swimming pool pump] he is a little underweight).
Resides: Due to a schizoid condition, he currently lives in
Father: Rabbi Dr. Jerome “Herring” Thermomeson; author of the acclaimed book: You + the Torah + Chilled Vodka = Homemade Lubavitch Chassidus.
Mother: Rebbetzin Chaya Sorah Faygeh Hinda nee Rue-Canal nee Smith (once received a ‘get’, but it was the husband that was the problem, really, our rav said so).
Siblings: There are kn”h thirteen, three were chosen out of a hat…
Yossi - Eighteen years old, attends Yeshivas Tikkun Mishkav Zochur, he’s having balls of fun and making steady progress in his rehabilitation, b”H
Yanky (2) – Twenty-six years old. Brought over from Chaya’s previous marriage, he is somehow a virtual doppelganger of Yanky, whenever they are in the same room they walk towards each other, thinking they’re looking into a mirror. Yanky (2) attends the Saint Marco Polo Center for Persons with Restless Leg Syndrome.
Esther – Sixteen years old, student at Hinda Mirah’s School for the Blind, b”H she has 20/20 vision, we are happy that we gave her the opportunity to be at the top of her class.
K-8: Yeshivas Torah Is To Sweet As Crack Is To Awesome
Curriculum based on a vomited-out worpage of the Montessori teaching method lined with educators that don’t know what 75% of the words on this resume mean.
9th-12th: Yeshivas Be’er Mayim Raglayim
Graduated, receiving his diploma for Being Able to ‘Go’ Without Drops Hitting the Seat.
Accidently enrolled there for Beis Medrash; very similar tautology to that of the typical yeshiva, he really had a blast there.
Rabbi Izz Moeleztin: Rebbi muvhuck since childhood; was also Yanky’s Bar Mitzvah teacher.
Rabbi Ahmad Fadeel al-Nazal al-Khalayleh: Rosh Yeshiva; Madrasa Osama. Yanky learnt Nefesh HaChayyim: Suicide Bomber Edition with him b’chavrusah.
Fleeky: Yanky’s imaginary friend.